“Hey Pet , how are you, whats happening in your world?”
“Hiya , yeah, I’m okay , fine , a bit tired but you know nothing much , anyway , how are you , how’s the dog , your gran , the hamster , next doors brothers budgie?”
If you’ve had a conversation with me in the last 18 months I’m pretty sure you’ll recognise this , this is what I say , what I do , I’m fine , of course I’m fine , I’ve got to be fine , but guess what , I’m not fine , not at all , quite far from fine in fact and I’m going to be honest for a change !
The past 18 months , well they’ve been a bit of a shit show quite frankly and it’s finally caught up with me.
Many of you will know that my Dad died in September 2022 after being poorly for a couple of months and yes I did grieve a bit , I’m not totally heartless but I was concentrating on being fine , trying to be strong , sorting paperwork , helping other people get through it all.
There has been a lot of change in my world since then , not just Dad related and losing a dear friend but other friend stuff , being there to support people through various things in their lives , don’t get me wrong I was more than happy to be that support and I’d do it again in a heartbeat , it probably helped me brush my own feelings aside but I guess it all takes its toll.
But I don’t like change , people move on , circumstances change and solid foundations start to get cracks in them and whilst I’m happy for them if they are happy (I’m not a total bitch) , I do miss how things were and I’m not gonna pretend I don’t
So yeah , I started feeling a bit less fine in December ,but I was busy , I had lots to do , I could bury myself in crafting , the world can all be fixed with a bit of sticky tape can’t it and yeah another defence mechanism of mine , everything is fine if you make a joke about it , add a ‘lol’ or a laughing emoji , you can’t cry if you’re laughing can you
But then Christmas gone , my sleep pattern in even more disarray than usual and when I did sleep I was having horrible dreams , so vivid and yeah just nasty , angry and aggressive. I didn’t really want to go to sleep to honest but I was so tired and I felt anxious when I was awake , that twisting feeling in the tummy that won’t go away
And then as it happens all the little things that have been building up become huge , insurmountable things and I find myself sitting in the loft crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the bag to put the Christmas tree away in , Jesus I really am being honest aren’t I , I’ve been here before depression and anxiety have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and I thought I was used to it,
So anyway I decided that I needed a bit of a break ,a bit of a recharge , mainly from social media so I told a couple of friends what was going on so they wouldn’t worry , even when I’m like this I’m worrying about other people worrying , and that was that I thought
But then I decided to write this , I’m not gonna lie , it’s very scary for me to be so open and I have debated with myself if I’m being self indulgent sharing it or should I just keep quiet and get on with stuff but to be honest that hasn’t worked too well so far has it , so here it is and yes I’m sharing it on my Twitter but if you comment about it please don’t be nice to me because that will just make me cry and the bears are gonna get soggy with all these tears.
Don’t worry about me , please don’t , I’m eating and taking my medication , making sure the bears are okay and I am getting some fresh air everyday , I probably won’t be able to stay away from social media for long as some of you are actually quite nice
Thanks for reading xxx